Before I tell you why I am so sad today, here are two more cards from the new WOJ Spring set.
How cute is this little one with her pot of honey? The paper is from my scrapbox, the ribbon from my stash and the flowers from Wild Orchid Crafts. The lace from my moms sewing box.
The paper for this one is from a local company, but in my 'wisdom' I cut the paper into 6x6 squares when I was tidying my scraproom this weekend and cut the info off. I think its Papercrazee! (Edited to add: Its from a company called Paper Explosion http://paperexplosion.co.za/ ) - any of the local girls? Please help! The little flowers were punched and the pearls in the centre is from Paola.
Now onto why I am sad. If you don't like the personal stuff, stop reading here.I haven't been feeling well for a few weeks, but tried to hide it from the family, Every time my breathing becomes difficult, it scares me a little and I get this urge to clean up and throw away everything that I don't need. Crazy and stupid, I know, but I don't want somebody else to clean up my mess if I can't.
Well, today I started cleaning my classroom at school. Purging big time. Threw away worksheets from 1997. Who keeps things that long? As I was going through every piece of paper, and there were lots of it, I found some unexpected treasures. Photo's from the time when I coached Cheerleading and my squad were the National Champions, photo's of My DD Anke and myself, from the time she was at the same school, she was about 9 or 10, and then I found something that made me cry.
Why do you think the funeral letter of my mother's funeral would be in a box at school? Not only the letter, but all the correspondence we had arranging the funeral. The note she left, telling us she wanted us to choose the cheapest casket there was, find out the price for the most expensive and donate the difference to a charity she had been supporting for a long time. The note from her Bible with all her favourite songs and her favourite scriptures.
I also found the eulogy I had written and could not do myself, I asked the minister to read it. All those memories came flooding back (It was 1992) and they were just as painful as they were then. I remember that my dad said, when I asked him whether the pain ever goes away, that he did not know, he thought it would be better after 28 years, but he would let me know. Turns out his mom had been gone 27 years then.
I remember her smell and her ability to hear God's voice. I have always said that if I could have any of my mother's traits, I would choose her ability to hear God and listen to what He says. How desperately I miss her today and every other day. If you still have your mom, treasure her and hug her from me.
I remember how she always knew just what to say, even if it was not what I wanted to hear. I remember her honesty and her courage, her selflessness and her love for all God's people. I remember her creativity, her wonderful stories - I still believe in Fairies because of those stories and the way she loved my father so much that she sent me home with him that last night.
I was determined to spend the night with her, at her bedside and to let my father go home to rest. When he left, she called him back and asked where I was going to sleep. I told her that dad was going to rest and I would stay with her, she actually got quite agressive and insisted that I go home with dad and come back the next morning.
I remember turning around and asking her if she knew that I loved her, she answered that she knew that and she knew something else too. When I asked what, she smiled and quoted the whole 'Jesus loves me'.
Dad and I went home and got a call about an hour later to tell us that she had passed away. For a long time I blamed myself for listening to her and not insisting on staying with her, untill I realised that she loved my dad so much that she would rather die alone than have him be alone when he heard the news.
I am sobbing as I type this, but it is very healing and I thank you for reading this if you made it this far.
Sleep well my friends.
Wat een super mooie kaartjes en het papier wat ik voor mijn l.o. heb gebruikt komt van en eigen merk van Paper & Pictures. Wat een verhaal werd er helemaal stil van en vond mezelf erin terug, mijn moeder is nu 10 jaar geleden overleden en mis haar ook nog elke dag. Ik wens je nog veel sterkte
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My dear, it is a privilege to read these memories, sparked by a 'chance' finding. I was also a teacher, so was my Gran. My Mum is still with us, we are close in an adult way borne through trials and tribulations of family life, but accepted now.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find the name of those papers. Thanks for popping into my blog.
Shirl #25
Sorry to hear you've been feeling so sad and under the weather lately. Its always hard relieving those sad memories but the important thing is to accept what has been and work on what is to become. Make sure you get your health checked out though.
ReplyDelete-big hug-
I'm all teary, I hope and pray you will be ok and sending you a ((hug)).
ReplyDeleteYour cards are really sweet. Take care, you'll be in my prayers tonight.
Your post almost made me cry. My mom died four years ago and it was very upsetting. It's still like a nightmare to me. Although she and I had our fights, I truly loved her and she knew it. I'm still sad that I couldn't be with her when she died and I miss her terribly.
ReplyDeleteLovely card, and your memories also got me remembering. Will also have to wait for the 28 years, as my Mom passed on 27 years next month. I still miss her very much, but the time softens the hurt and I think the memories are what does it. I also was not with her, but that was how she wanted it, Take courage from all the beautiful memories.
ReplyDeletei was touched by your post and how, even now, your Mom continues to be a witness through her example and the way you have honored her. as i made my altered book last weekend, i thought of the time when i would be gone and i would leave it to my daughter for her to know my favorite bible verses and live by them. how wonderful for you to have your Mom's favorite songs and bible verses and to have the example of a lovely Godly woman. hugs and blessings,
ReplyDeletepeggy
Beautiful cards Tertia, but I must focus on your beautiful message, which has me all teary-eyed as I type this comment. What beautiful memories you have of your dear Mom my friend... they are to be treasured... the love she had for you and for your Dad. Sending loads of hugs your way, Sharon x
ReplyDeleteVery big hugs Tertia. Fortunatley my mom is still alive but I don't even want to think about the day she passes away as she is my mom, and dad and my best friend.
ReplyDeleteAi Tertia...jy weet jou kaartjies is pragtig. Ek wil vir jou dankie se dat jy vandag jou hart met ons gedeel het. Jy is so baie spesiaal en jy het, sonder dat ons al ooit ontmoet het, klaar in my hart geklim. Ek wens ek was daar by jou om jou hand vas te hou en net te sit en luister wat jy wil se.
ReplyDeleteThankyou for sharing ...typing out your thoughts is very theraputic. My Mum and husband both passed in 2000 ....it was her voice I heard for ages and she who left the biggest hole in my heart. I hope your health improves ...my breathing was really bad before I gave up smoking 3 years ago but it took 2 years to feel the effect.
ReplyDeleteIt was a privilege to share this with you. Hope you are well soon. I don't know you so forgive me if I'm out of order, but if your family love you as much as you loved your mum, I think they would want to know about your breathing problems
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing, will definitely give my mum an extra hug. Please tell your family about your problem. Your cards are lovely
ReplyDeletewhat a lovely tribute and memories of your mother...I cry with you.
ReplyDeleteTertia that was such a moving message.
ReplyDeleteJust sent my Mom a message to tell her I love her.
I hope you are feeling better today xxx
God's blessings be with you Tertia. Sharing your message must have been very healing and cleansing for you. They say time heals all wounds...I'm not sure the pain every goes away but it does ease a bit. Jesus loves you.
ReplyDeleteHello Tertia, thanks so much for sharing. I lost my beloved mother only 5 years ago and I mourn for her still. She was my best friend throughout my life and totally irreplaceable, a rock of a woman who dealt with every problem she faced, and there were many, with resourcefulness and good sound common sense. there's not a day passes when I don't think of her and there are so many times when I think I'll tell her this or that then I remember I can't. And I so wish she had been here to get to know her great great-granddaughter, born New Year's Day this year, she would have loved her. However, what has become clear in the last 5 years is that my mother never really left me, she is there in everything I do, I learned the lessons she taught me very well so in a way she lives on in me still and that is a comfort to me. As we would say here in Scotland, the 'wee greet' will have done you the world of good, just another step in coming to terms with your loss. Oh dear, haven't I waffled on but your post just set the memories going :) (A wee greet = a little cry). Kindest regards, Elizabeth x #73
ReplyDeletei cried with you. but i also rejoice, for in death, there is Life in Christ, and every day i am alive is one day closer to my earthly death, which equals being closer to Christ! your mother sounds like a wonderful woman. xxxxxxxxxxxx
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